rashundatramble.com

I normally don’t gloat about my accomplishments, probably because they seem so small in comparison to the ones of those around me. Please excuse me.

For those of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know my relationship with German (High German). It’s not a good one.

I need to backtrack a little for you to understand.

I have a secret. It’s a secret that only a few people around me know: I’m painfully, ridiculously shy. Shocked? You’re probably asking “How the hell did you do tv and radio?”

Training.

I was an extremely shy kid. I got into speech and theatre to get myself out of it. I found out that I’d been blessed with my dad’s “vocal tone.” It’s hard to explain. He had a deep, rich voice. Think Morgan Freeman crossed with James Earl Jones. It seems that I inherited that from him (although my voice is not as deep).

So, I learned early that I had a talent for “communicating,” or maybe “announcing.” I spent years doing this and felt as if that was the only thing I could do.

After a years of perfecting and achieving some semblance of relative success, I moved to a non-English speaking country. I couldn’t communicate with almost anyone, at least not in my immediate surroundings.

Imagine being a sprinter, and that was the only thing you’d been trained to do, moving to a new country that had never heard of sprinting, having your legs amputated then having folks looking at you like you’re crazy because you’re not from the country, watching them run and have a good ol’ time AND dealing with the effects of the amputation at the same time.

That was me.

I spent many a day in Migros or Coop (both supermarkets) close to or in tears because I couldn’t ask for the simplest things. There was one time when we were living in Bern where I actually stood in an aisle and cried because I couldn’t find what I was looking for, and I didn’t know how to ask for help.

There was another time in which I had to “neigh” like a goat to a supermarket clerk because I couldn’t find goat cheese.

Talk about being demoralized.

Add to these issues being black, female and in Switzerland and you’ve got a good candidate for a padded room.

This post is a good example of what I was going through.

During my time in Switzerland, I’ve taken German classes off and on. I usually would stop in the middle because I got discouraged. I felt like a kindergärtner, as if I was a child starting over again.

I was. I’d worked my ass off for years only to basically chuck it and start back at the bottom. Unless you’ve done it, you have no idea how it feels.

About two years ago, my German teacher at that time took it upon herself to sign me up for the Zertifikat Deutsch test. I told her she was nuts and that I was not ever going to take it, not because I had a problem with her, but because I had a problem with myself…and tests. I’ve discussed my fear of failure before. Perhaps my fear comes from not only my old teachers but also being raised in an environment where all hell broke loose if I brought home something less than a B. (Parents: If you’re beating spanking your child because of “low” grades, stop. It’s stupid and old school. It also doesn’t help. All it does is prompt your child into discovering ways for you not to find out how they’re doing in class - like making fake report cards - so they won’t get spanked again. Ask me how I know.)

A few months ago I started taking private German lessons. Someone I know scoffed and said that private lessons were a “luxury.” For me, they were a necessity. I needed one-on-one attention with the language because my brain just wasn’t getting “it.”

My teacher asked if I was interested in the Zertifikat Deutsch test. I told her I’d think about it. After a week, I said to myself “What the hell.” I signed up.

I don’t think anyone out there understands how hard it was for me to sign up. The wounds that had just started healing from the “communcation amputation” started slowly ripping open again.

I worked my butt off. I had private German sessions twice a week to prepare. It has been the most frustrating five months that I’ve had in a while. But after almost six years of fighting the language and feeling extremely stupid, those months were nothing.

I took the Zertifikat Deutsch test today.

I have no idea how I did. The reading section was fairly easy, the listening section wasn’t too bad. The letter writing, grammar and oral portions kicked my booty. As a matter of fact, there’s a strong chance that I tanked on the oral for reasons that were entirely my fault.

But even with all of that, I can honestly say that - even though I’m almost afraid to be - I’m sort of, kind of, perhaps proud of myself.

By the way, I’ve been taking Arabic for a few months also. I’m a glutton for punishment.