I’ve spent most of today, Good Friday, going through more of my negatives. I lost my portfolio years ago, so I’m happy to have salvaged these from home. All of these are analog, taken with an old Fuji camera that I can’t remember the specifics of, using Kodak Tri-X Pan film (which has been discontinued).
This series consists of buildings around the Mississippi River bluff area at Memphis. Back during the time I photographed them, which was around 1987, the bluff area was bascially made up of abandoned structures interspersed with low-income dwellings. I would drive up to the bluffs during breaks from work or class and have lunch on the hood of my car. Then I’d pull out my camera.
My parents would trip when they’d see the photos, because they knew that the area - at the time - wasn’t exactly the safest. They had in their hands evidence that their daughter didn’t give a rat’s butt about her safety for she was an “ahr-tiste.”
During one session, I was driving around looking for more buildings when I drove over a train track. Because the signal lights weren’t working, I didn’t notice a train coming. I made it over by the skin of my teeth…and promptly got out and took a photo of the crossing. I don’t think it crossed my mind at the time what had just happened.
Going through these negatives this morning has been a bittersweet experience. They remind me of when I had that “creative eye,” when I thought in shapes and shadows. When I saw little snips of beauty every time I blinked. I really thought I was some kind of visionary.
But with age, reality sets in.
And that “creative eye” gets clouded over.
“How much does this roll of film cost that I’m about to ‘experiment’ with?”
“You charge what for developing?”
“Boy if I wasn’t rushing to get home and fix dinner I’d stop and take a shot of (insert whatever here) but I don’t have time and I’ve had a rough day at work.”
It’s a weird dichotomy: Life breeds creativity, but it can also kill it. But, the only way life can be survived it by giving in to creativity, at least sometimes. I wish someone had pushed me a little bit harder to take photography more seriously. I had talent. I just didn’t have direction. If I had had direction, shoot, I would have been at the level of Renée Cox or Gordon Parks by now. Okay, I’m full of myself.
I was having drinks with some co-workers a few days ago across from an art gallery. I said to one of them, “Shoot, I should march right over there and show the owner my work.”
“Well, why don’t you?” one asked.
“I don’t know,” I replied.
For a hot second, I thought about doing it. If I’d had some shots in my bag, perhaps on my camera, I would have done it (alcohol aided, sadly). But then on the train, I got to thinking:
“I don’t have an advanced degree. I didn’t study at (insert high-priced a$$ uni here). I don’t have a ‘technique’ per se. Hell, half the time I have to jog my brain to remember which proper f-stop to use.”
And last but not least…
“I absolutely suck at pontificating.”
These are the demons I’m fighting.
I don’t know if being in CH or getting older has anything to do with this (or both). The art scene here is very youth and male dominated (actually, a lot of things here are youth and male dominated), even more so than the US.
Who knows, maybe I’ll get a wild hair up my butt someday and decide to shop my wares.
In any case, here are more pics from the series. Click to see them in full.
The entire set is here.
Edited to add: I know some of you think that I am exaggerating about the advanced degree, youth, male issue. I’m not. But, the only way you can understand is if you live here in Switzerland. Remember, women only got the right to vote in federal elections here in 1971. So, before y’all email me saying that just need to (insert advice here), please remember that I live in an extremely, extremely different culture than the US. The hurdles here are a lot higher…and they have leftover barbed wire from the cow pastures on top.:-) To the Swiss and/or European folks reading this, I’m not complaining. I just need to explain what the deal is (at least my view of it) to those who have never lived here. Your mileage may vary.
But I do love you all for caring.
Comments (3)
Woman, you could use some serious outrageousness coaching from me. When do you want to schedule that?
Great pics… and thanks for the link about “women’s voting rights”. I think you are right… there is a difference between complaining and explaining how different your new culture is to the USA. I tried to do the same whilst I was living in England.
Rashunda, hello. I ‘m a little late here but must say these are beautiful. I love black-and-white photography. I find that with color photos sometimes the color gets in the way of me really seeing what I am looking at. With black-and-white I find I am not so easily distracted. Thanks for sharing these.